Changes

I think that pregnancy is 70% excitement/happiness and 30% fear/doubt. With the first one the doubts are: how is this going to change my relationship with my partner? how will I adapt to my role as a parent? do I have to give up my life? am i going to be a good parent? am I strong enough to do this?

I know the answers to all of these questions this time around, but there are a new set to replace them.

The first time I talked to my sister-in-law Lori after finding out I was pregnant, she said, "Just wait until you see Harrison the first time after giving birth to this new baby. He will look so big and grown up. When Ivy was born, I burst out in tears the first time Zoe walked into the room."

When she said that, I teared up a little bit, because I could already understand what she was talking about. Just being pregnant again makes me think often about carrying and birthing Harrison, sleeping at night with Doug's hand on my big belly while Harrison turned and stirred inside me, and then later bringing Harrison home from the hospital on that third day of his life, so tiny and pink, and us so completely clueless about what to do with this new little creature now squriming in our bed.

I know that Harrison was that little baby, but sometimes I don't believe it. Last Monday we converted his crib into a toddler bed. We had so many fears that he'd be out roaming, falling out in the night, playing with his toys and his books, not sleeping, but he has been fine. No falling. No problems. He's proud of his new bed and comforter and pillow, and couldn't wait to show Gramma and Papa H as soon as they came in the door for a visit on Thursday. Then last weekend while I was washing dishes and Doug and Harrison were doing some chores in the living room, our 10-year old neighbor Alex came over to ask if Harrison could come out to play, and I lost my shit at the sink. Doug looked at me like I was out of my mind, and I can blame some of it on hormones (right?) but I do need to come to terms with the inescapable fact that Harrison is growing up. That soon he's going to be the big brother.

I also need to deal with some guilt I have about Harrison having to share me with a new baby, and being a little sad for myself because I won't have much alone time with Harrison anymore.

Does every parent go through this the second time around?